Okay, now, everybody just act normal.
- Who is it? - Yoo-hoo!
It's Carol Peterson from next door.
- [Groaning] - Oh!
There go the goddam brownies.
Hi. Welcome to Mayfield Place. We're your neighbours.
We brought dessert...
Uh, is your mother home?
Here you go, sonny. A little something for the sweet tooth.
[Sniffs]
I can't believe you've lived here a whole month...
and we haven't come by to say hello.
I'm your neighbour, Ray Peterson. That's my wife, Carol.
That's Bonnie, and this is, uh...
Rumsfield's the name.
Don't think I caught yours, sonny.
- Hans. - Hans.
[Chuckles] A fine, Christian name. Hans Christian Andersen.
[Laughs] What, are you Catholic?
I don't know.
Oh. Pretty girl.
- Friend of yours? - No, it came with the frame.
- "It came with the frame"? - Yes.
Oh, is this the dining room? Oh! You startled me.
- [Hans] My Uncle Reuben. - How do you do?
You are the one who lives next door.
- Um... why don't we get some coffee? - [Hans] I'll do it.
What do you say we all sit down for a little face-to-face, eh, Reub?
They're in there, all right. They're just standing around.
Oh, great. Don't worry, you guys. I can get this.
- I really appreciate your help. Really. - No problem. Just be careful.
It's pretty dangerous with the trip wire.
Thanks for your advice.
- [Dave] W-Watch! - [Ricky] Be careful!
- I'm watchin'. [Screams] - [Ricky] Did you make it?
[Gasping, Coughing]
I'm all right. I'm okay, I'm okay.
Just throw me the tools. [Gasping]
- Ow! - [Boys Laughing]
Sure was damp today.
Yes, I just can't seem to do anything with my hair.
[Humming, Hollow Thump]
[Insect Buzzing]
A sardine?
[Buzzing Continues]
I'm trying to cut back.
Sardine?
[Buzzing Continues]
- [Coughs] - Um...
So, how are you enjoying Hinkley Hills?
We just love it.
- Don't we? - Yes.
Klopek. What is that, Slavic?
- No! - [Chuckles]
About a nine on the tension scale, Reub.
How do you like living here so far?
Pretty comfortable house, ain't it?
[Raps On Wall] Good, solid walls.
[Stomps On Floor] Good, solid floors.
[Banging]
[Chuckles]
Got somebody tied up in the old cellar, have you, Reub?
[Sneezing]
[Sneezing Continues]
[Coughs, Spits, Crumples Newspaper]
It's packing dust. I'm sorry.
So... [Rumsfield Chuckles]
Just you and Unc living here in the house, is that it, sonny?
- No... - Please, this is a small family:
Me, the young boy...
and my brother... the doctor.
Won't it be nice to have a doctor in the neighbourhood?
[Cuckoo Clock Chiming]
You know, I think it's great you've been able to stay with all the original wood.
I was never over here when the Knapps lived here.
How unfortunate for the Knapps.
You know, it's funny, but I don't remember seeing a moving van out front.
I don't understand that. It was parked outside all day!
- [Rumsfield] Really? - S- Say, how is, uh...
the... drainage on your property here?
I know when it rains at our house...
[Chuckling] boy, the basement Just floods right over.
Basement? Ray comes up with a winning idea.
Maybe we should go take a look in the basement.
Maybe that was brother down there...
tapping on the ceiling a couple minutes ago.
Who knows?
Just what kind of doctor is this brother of yours?
Why don't you ask him yourself?
[Footsteps Ascending]
[Door Closes]
Ah, we have guests.
Sort of.
My brother, the doctor.
Werner Klopek.
[Clicks Heels] How nice to meet you.
Ray Peterson.
Oh, pardon my glove.
[Chains Rattling, Growling]
[Heavy Footsteps]
[Chains Continue Rattling]
[Growling, Thumping]
[Opera]
I thought the candles would be romantic... for the ladies.
- Oh. [Laughs] - They're lovely.
I really must apologize for the paint.
I was just touching up one of my pictures.
I find painting relaxes me.
- [Hans Slurping] - [Insect Buzzing]
- Sugar substitute? - No, thank you.
[Werner] It was impolite of us not to have introduced ourselves sooner.
I find my work is rather solitary.
It always keeps us on the move.
Did you know we've had to move four times in as many years?
- Oh, all that moving must be very hard on you, Hans. - [Insect Buzzing]
Indeed. And tomorrow...
Tomorrow we must all go to the university...
to discuss yet another transfer.
No. And we're just getting to know you.
That's a shame. Isn't that a shame, honey?
That's a shame.
Says who?
And I was just remarking...
to Hans... today...
how nice it would be...
to meet all of our new neighbours...
and here you are.
- [Rumsfield] Actually, we're not all here. - [Werner] Oh?
Walter, the old man next door. We don't know where the hell he is.
Oh, God! Jesus Christ!
[Yelling] Sorry! Sorry! Ow!
Terrible thing, the plight of the elderly.
We were just remarking the other day...
about how an old guy like that...
could just drop off the face of the Earth without a sign.
Vanish. No one ever see him again. No trace. Nothing.
- [Kicks Floorboard] - Right, Ray? Yesterday, wasn't it?
We werejust talking about it yesterday.
I bet you were. [Kicks Floorboard]
Why don't wejust cut all this polite crap, all right?
What's the weird goddam noise you got comin' outta here all the time?
Uh, I think we should go...
What have you got in the cellar, Herr Klopek?
- [Bonnie] Mark! - Ray.
Come on. Tell him what you saw. Tell him.
I have to use your bathroom.
Ray, remember night before last?
- You said they were digging. - Don't open that!
- [Rumsfield] Ray! - [Screams]
Oh! Oh!
You keep a horse in the basement?
[Barking, Growls]
- [Screams] - [Barking]
[Barking Continues]
[Alarm Blaring]
- Is it a burglar? - No, it's Art.
- [Alarm Continues] - Another neighbour?
A fat one.
Go on, you mangy mutt! [Screams]
- [Alarm Stops] - I'm sorry if Landru frightened you.
- His size tends to overwhelm people. - Oh, no, no.
We've imposed on you enough for one evening. It's been lovely meeting you.
- See you, Doc. Later, Reub. - Bye, Hans.
Yes, Doctor. It's been real.
- Are you all right? - Yes, I'm fine.
Let's do this again sometime... real soon.
- We'll see ourselves to the door. Honey? - [Carol] Goodnight.
- [Footsteps Departing, Door Closes] - [Crow Cawing]
[Carol] Okay, I admit it. They're slightly eccentric.
[Rumsfield] "Slightly eccentric"? Carol...
- But that doesn't mean... - Come on!
- They chopped Walter into little pieces! - These people are clearly psychos!
Ray, what do you think?
[Art] Yeah, what do you think?
Right. Been awfully quiet, Ray.
Maybe we could have a little participation here.
I think they're clean. I think Bonnie and Carol are right.
- See? - [Art] That's great, Ray.
Just pull open the door, pull the rip cord and bail out on us.
That's rich, considering you're the one who started this whole thing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who started it, tuna neck?
- "Tuna neck"? - You instigated this whole damn thing!
You know who instigated this? Your boy watching people dig in the backyard!
- You leave my... - Honey, would you and Bonnie excuse us?
I think I should have a talk with the boys in the den for a few minutes.
- Okay. - Oh.
It's good to see you've come to your senses, sweetie.
Just a minute or two.
So, what's the deal, Ray?
Are you siding with the chicks against us? Is that it?
Yeah, are you totally pussy-whipped or what?
Just take your balls out of your wife's purse.
Make a stand for one time in your life.
- [Laughing] - Hey, Ray, come on.
- It's just a figure of speech. - It's a joke. He's kiddin' around.
Oh, it's Walter's rug.
You got an old guy's wig. Big deal.
You've had that in your trousers all day?
After you found this in Walter's house yesterday...
I slipped it back in through the mail slot.
- Yeah? - Where did you get it this time?
Klopeks? Wow.
After the dog came up out of the basement.
I found it wedged between a bunch of magazines...
all of which were addressed to Walter.
Then that means that...
Klopeks went back inside Walter's house...
and got the hair.
What do we do now, soldier?
You heard them say they were going away tomorrow.
Yeah.
As soon as that car leaves in the morning...
I'm going over the fence and I'm not comin' back 'til I find a dead body.
Nobody knocks off an old man in my neighbourhood and gets away with it.
[Honking]
[Chuckles] Gentlemen, we are on alert.
Honey, you know what you could do?
Go get those flag stones at the garden centre and put them along the walk.
Yeah, that'd be a nice project.
I've got a foursome lined up with Art today in an hour and a half though.
I didn't mean right now. You hate golf.
Well, it's my vacation. I just wanted to get out of the house.
I would think, after the week I put you through, you'd want to too.
Why do I get the impression you're trying to get rid of me?
I'm gonna be gone all day. It'd be a good time for you to go see Evelyn.
And you have a good time with the cousins.
I hate them, Dad. Rudy is a moron, and Diane smells.
Have a nice weekend.
I'll see you later.
[Engine Starts, Revs]
Hey, Carol, see my new golf glove?
I got it so I don't get blisters playing golf.
We're gonna be playing that much golf. Really.
Fore!
Think she bought it?
Yo, Steve-man. What's the haps, dude?
You gotta come down here today. It's gonna be live.
No, you've got to.
Something's about to happen. I can't tell you.
[Ray] Are you sure you know what you're doing, Art?
There's a lot of juice going through those wires.
You hit the wrong one, you're a Post Toastie.
Electricity is our friend.
Besides, we wanna take out their alarms, don't we?
I was thinking we could bypass the fence altogether and find another way in.
No one knows how many trip alarms they have in there.
No, I can take out everything they've got with one clip of the snips.
- Right, Captain? - Affirmative.
[Siren Blaring]
- [Chuckles] Siren mode. - [Siren Continues]
Pretty neat, eh?
- [Turns Off Siren] - I can raise all the police channels...
and the power company channels on this baby.
- [Ray] Be careful up there, Art. - It's okay, Ray.
We gotta get going though. We're burning daylight here.
Hey, where should we start diggin' once we get over there?
We start in the backyard, then check the basement.
Be careful up there. Go slow, huh?
Hey, safety is my middle name.
I thought his middle name was Louis.
Are you sure you're all right up there?
I don't know that he knows what he's doing.
- Well, why didn't you go up there? - It's very high.
- [Screaming] - Oh, Jesus!
Jesus Christ! Get an ambulance on that thing!
- I'm okay. I'm all right. - [Hat Sizzling]
Ow! God! [Coughing]
I took a jolt, but I'm okay.
- Can you stand up? - Oh, yeah.
- Try one of these. - [Sniffing] Oh, yeah, that's better.
- Whoa, whoa. - No, no, no. Jesus.
[Exhaling] Look at my fingers.
My fingernails are black. [Gasping, Teeth Sizzling]
- My fillings are hot. - Hey, look at this.
The man actually hit the right wire. There's no alarm.
- Hey, good work. - Congratulations. Now give me five.
- I'm gonna set up a communications base. - You got it.
- Here, you're gonna need this. - Here.
Hey, hey, hey, Rumsfield! Dude!
What are you doing with the gun?
Just shut up and paint your goddam house!
Whoa! Fine.
Task Force One, this is Eagle Eye.
[Walkie-Talkie] You are all clear.
Roger, Eagle Eye. We're going over.
Roger. Red rover, red rover, let Ray go over.
Good. Now, red rover, red rover, let Art go on over.
[Chuckles] That's great. Over.
It's really getting hot out here.
Yeah. Yeah, it is getting hot, Art.
Why don't you dig one of your own holes, huh?
I was just checking this one. Besides, the radio... I was monitoring...
This is turning out to be a lot more work than we thought it was gonna be.
Why don't we check the house? It's probably a lot cooler in there.
That's a good idea. Let's try the house.
We'll start in the basement.
We'll start in the basement and just work our way up.
[Art] Ray, I'm thinking the reason we didn't find anything in the backyard...
is because they probably weren't burying anybody in the backyard.
They were digging bodies up and they probably buried them in the basement.
[Ray Sighs] That's a possibility, Art.
I say we start in the kitchen. They probably got some cold beer in there.
Or some knockwurst or something. I'm starving.
It's locked.
- Hey, give me a credit card. - Yeah.
- Where did you learn how to do that? - I don't know how to do this.
Ah, it's a shit store anyway.
Ray, do the words "breaking and entering" mean anything to you?
[Ricky] Hey, Mr Rumsfield! Hey, yo, man!
I wanted to introduce you to my friend.
- This is Steve Kuntz. - Hey, dude. [Chuckles]
He's here to watch the show this afternoon.
Great.
[Squeaking]
[Rock Blaring]
[Gail] It's about time, you guys.
Hey, man, when's the big unveiling, huh?
- I gotta go to work in a couple hours. - Hey, man, piss off!
- Get this lame-o out of your yard! - [Ricky] Yo!
- Get out of my yard, lame-o! Hey! - What's his problem?
[Ricky] Get out of my yard!
[Art] Ray, look at the size of this furnace.
This thing's got to be 80 years old.
These old places have got to be hell to heat.
This house isn't that big.
What the hell does he need a furnace like this for?
I think there's been some modifications on this 'cause this conduit's brand new.
It runs all the way back over there and up through a hole in the ceiling.
I saw some of that in their living room.
And a thermostat on a home furnace...
Is that supposed to go to 5,000 degrees, do you think?
It must be what all the noise was.
Look at all the stuff they put together down here.
- They got this place wired with batteries. - There's got to be 40 of them.
Look, we got power here.
This is no ordinary furnace.
[Furnace Whirring, Rumbling]
- [Whirring, Rumbling Continue] - [Steve] What's that?
[Ricky] Yo, Rumsfield!
- [Groans, Gun Fires] - [Car Alarm Blaring]
- [Alarm Continues] - Awesome!
- [Alarm, Applause Continue] - Mr Rumsfield, are you okay?
- Yes, yes, I'm all right. - That was very cool, man.
Art. Art, look.
- Look! I found it! - That's loose dirt.
They must have burned his body up in the furnace...
and then buried his bones right here.
What do we do now?
I'll tell him that they built a crematorium down here.
Don't tell him that. He'll just want to come down. Wait 'til we find something.
Ray, that could take all night.
[Engine Starts]
Mr Rumsfield, you guys managed to knock out the power in the entire block.
- [Engine Revving] - Probably the whole south end of town.
[Softly] Ricky, shut up!
- Shh. - We're gonna make a run to McD's.
- You want a Quarterpounder or something? - Oh, no way!
Hey, you guys can't go now. It's the best part.
- I called the pizza dude. - All right!
[Art] Ray, I think we can give up. They'd never bury him this deep.
Who, besides us, would dig this deep into this kind of sludge?
- [Clank] - That was metal!
- Hey! - That was metal! You hit a crypt!
They buried him in a crypt! I'll get my blowtorch! I'll call it in!
Hello! Hey, uh... Eagle Eye, this is Ground Force One.
We have found Walter! We found Walter! I'll be out in a minute!
Dig there! Dig there! Oh, yes! We found him!
We caught you, Reub.
You've been playing us for saps, but you were wrong.
[Car Passing]
[Car Doors Open, Close]
[Ricky] Mr Weingartner! Art!
Look! Look over there! Look! Right now!
Go on. Go on. I'll...
[Rumsfield] Walter!
[Walter] Let me go. I'm all right.
[Softly] Ray! Raymond!
Listen up real carefully, mister.
We got a real problem.
Hey, Ray, guess who's not in the basement? Walter!
He's back! He's back!
Klopeks! With coppers!
Keep 'em busy. Keep 'em busy. I'll get Ray.
- Keep them busy! - All right, okay, all right!
Stop! Stop right there! Don't go any further!
You're going! Stop!
Hey, Mr Officer, wait.
There are these people in my parents' house...
and they're eating all their food!
[Ray Grunting]
- [Coughing] - Ray, Walter showed up!
- The Klopeks! I got Ricky down there... - I hit the gas line! Run!
- Gas! - Run!
- What is the problem here? - [Werner] Thank God you're here.
- No problem, sir. - This is not a police matter.
[Art Screaming] We hit a pipe! There's all kinds of gas!
It's gonna blow!
- All right! - Ricky sure knows how to throw a party.
[Art Coughing]
Was that your house?
Ray.
Something is moving in there.
Ray... Ray, you found it, right?
Before it blew, you found it, right?
Hey, tell me you found it. You found it, right?
Before everything went off, you had to have found it.
[Siren Blaring]
You got a lawsuit on your hands, mister.
Oh, God, what's this?
[Crowd Chattering, Radio Transmissions]
[Officer Over P.A. System] Your attention, please.
Please stay behind the barricade.
[Helicopter Passing Overhead]
- [All Chattering] - You want to step back, please?
- That's my house. - Sorry, I've got to get the all clear from the gas company.
- I can clear this. She lives here. - Did I ask you?
Miss, you wanna come back here, please?
Excuse me, pal. Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough.
[Ricky] Hey!
- Oh, honey, what have they done to you? - You cut your hair.
I like it.
[Art] I'm telling you, Officer, there's a body buried in that house.
- Mr Seznick, right? - Yeah, the old guy who's sitting here...
- is buried in that house, Sherlock. - Watch it.
Where was he anyway?
Mr Seznick was at the hospital 'til 8:00 this evening.
Monday night he had some heart palpitations.
He called his daughter and son-in-law, and they took him to the hospital.
What about the wig? They found a wig in this house.
- His wig. - The Klopeks were picking up his mail.
The doctor somehow got that wig mixed up with the newspapers and letters.
"Doctor"? You don't believe that this guy's a real doctor, do you?
Yes, I do believe he's a doctor.
In fact, he's a very well-respected pathologist, my friend.
I'd say that you are damn lucky you didn't kill him in that blast.
Oh, yeah, I thank my lucky stars.
- Take care of this nitwit. - Sorry about your car, man.
Destruction of private property. Destruction of public property.
Three counts of criminal trespassing.
Harassment, assault, vandalism.
And that poor old man claims he's got a ransom note...
that says you kidnapped his dog!
Do you hear me okay, Mr Peterson?
I really do like your hair, honey.
[Art] You know, this doesn't change a thing.
They may think it does. They may think they're off the hook, but they're not.
No, they're not. Are they, Ray? Go ahead, tell 'em.
We got the goods on 'em, don't we?
Someday they're gonna dig up the back of that yard...
and they're gonna find the rest of that skeleton to go with that femur.
- It might not be Walter, but... - Shut up, Art! Shut up!
God, you don't know when to quit, do you?
Look at me!
I'm a shell of a man because of you, Art.
- Now, now... - Soldiers!
You leave 'em alone! Get off their case already!
They didn't do anything to us. They didn't do anything to us!
All right, so they're different! So they keep to themselves!
Can you blame them? They live next door to people who break into their house...
and burn it down while they're gone for the day.
Remember what you were saying about people in the 'burbs?
People like Skip?
People who mow their lawn for the 800th time and then snap?
Well, that's us! It's not them! That's us!
We're the ones vaulting over fences and peeking in through people's windows!
We're the ones throwing garbage in the street and lighting fires!
We're the ones who are acting suspicious and paranoid, Art!
We're the lunatics! Us! It's not them!
It's us.
[Sighs] I don't know what to say.
What, do you want me to move?
- [Screaming] I'm gonna kill him! - You're crazy!
[All Screaming]
- Back off! - Stop it! Stop it!
- [Ray] Ow! Ow! Ow! - [Detective] Break it up!
- Stop it! Stop it! - I don't care! I've been blown up!
Take me to the hospital!
Take me to a hospital. I'm sick.
My eye hurts. [Grunting]
Honey? I'll just...
find out what hospital they're taking you to...
and then I'll... follow right along.
- Okay? - [Ray] Okay, honey.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine, Carol.
[Teenagers Laughing, Chattering]
Okay, hepcats, get off my car!
- Get off my car! - Dude, you should hang out a little bit.
- This goes for you! - We've got the pizza dude coming.
You imbecile! You sub-moron, you!
- [Door Closes] - [Mumbling] Who's that?
Oh, Dr Klopek, I'm so sorry.
You know, Dr Klopek, when I get out of prison...
I'm gonna help you rebuild your house.
I'll even do some of the work myself. I have the tools.
Carol's father just gave me a brand new set of tools.
Do I look like an idiot, Mr Peterson?
No.
Do you take me for an imbecile?
No.
You may have fooled the others, Mr Peterson...
but you don't fool me.
Uh, I fooled the others?
- [Werner] But you don't fool me. - I don't?
No, you don't.
Am I missing something, Doctor?
Come now, Mr Peterson. You were in my basement.
Surely, you looked in the furnace.
[Stammering] I saw your furnace, Doctor...
but I figured a man's furnace is his own business.
You saw one of my skulls, didn't you?
Oh, yes. I know you did.
It belonged to a neighbour of yours.
The name was Knapp.
We took the house from them.
I offered to buy it, but you know how old people are.
They grow so attached to things.
Uh, you know, Dr Klopek, I think I forgot my wallet.
- [Grunts] - I let you keep the femur.
Now, now, I want my skull.
- Or, perhaps, I might just take yours. - [Coughing]
Hans.
- [Ray Groaning] Uh, hey! - [Starts Engine]
[Screaming, Muffled]
- [Tyres Squealing] - [Ray Yelling]
[Horns Honking]
[Ricky] Hey, the pizza dude!
[Screaming]
- [Cheering] - Yeah! Way to go!
- [Ray Screaming] - Far out.
Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest!
I, Ray Peterson, am placing you under citizen's arrest...
for my attempted murder!
The man doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Citizen's arrest. Citizen's arrest. - Oh, Ray.
Don't start with me, Carol. The man confessed. They murdered the Knapps.
- [Werner] He's demented. - Hey, Sherlock.
Get the Klopeks to tell you where they buried the stiffs.
[Detective] You don't have a stiff. You don't have any evidence.
- You do now. - [Screams]
This your vehicle, Dr Klopek?
[Detective] Let's go, Doc.
Hey! Pinocchio!
Where are you going?
Gotcha!
[Grunting]
Don't you make a move, sonny.
I was 18 months in the bush, and I can snap your neck in a heartbeat.
I think the message to psychos, fanatics, murderers...
nutcases all over the world is, uh...
do not mess with suburbanites because, uh, we're not gonna take it any more.
We're not gonna be content to look after our lawns...
and wax our cars, paint our houses.
We're out to get 'em, Don. We are out to get them.
- Hello. - Hi.
[Sighs] So, what are you gonna do now?
I'm gonna pack a bag and go up to the lake.
We got 'em, neighbour.
- Get away from him. - [Art] Hey, you guys.
You wanna go down to Bowl-O-Rama for a beer or something?
Man, that was an incredible choke hold you put on me, pal. The guy's a brute.
How's that finger? Is it okay?
Where are you guys going? Where you going?
I'm going on vacation.
"Vacation"? What, are you crazy?
This is a major media event here.
Geraldo Rivera's coming, and he's gonna excavate the basement of the Klopeks!
It's gonna be broadcast on satellite all over the world, live!
Art!
Your wife's home.
- And your house is on fire! - Art, where are you?
My wife is home!
Mr Peterson, where you going?
It's just starting to get good.
I'm going away for a while, Ricky.
I want you to keep an eye on the neighbourhood for me.
You betcha, Mr Peterson.
No problem.
[Barking]
God, I love this street.